Political CV

THE DAMAGING EFFECTS OF CHILD PORNOGRAPHY
by Diana E.H. Russell, Ph.D.
Written September 2004

DO NOT QUOTE WITHOUT OBTAINING MY PERMISSION.

Introduction and Background:

I sent this manuscript to my editor at Routledge Publishers in September 2004. Unfortunately, I was very late in meeting my deadline for many reasons, especially my intense involvement in initiating a campaign against the richest landlord in Berkeley (after UC Berkeley) for his 15-year exploitation of minor sexual slaves imported from India -- among other crimes.

My editor had just quit her position at Routledge to accept a job at the New York University Press, so my manuscript remained unread while Routledge searched for a new editor. By January of 2005, a new editor had still not been hired, so I wrote to Mary McGinnis, the Vice President of Routledge to ask her what I should do about this. I feared if I revised the manuscript before I had an editor, she might well request that I revise it yet again. Ms. McGinnis told me to go ahead and revise it. Meanwhile, she said she would also like to see my manuscript.

Less than a week later, she called me and declared that, "There is no way that Routledge will be associated with a book of this nature." "Why not?" I asked her. "It's the branding issue," she replied. "What do you mean?" I asked her, but she didn't explain. I interpreted her statement to mean that she didn't want Routledge to become known for publishing such a shocking book. It included many sexually explicit child pornography stories written for pedophiles, as well as descriptions of child pornography, including gross cartoons, all of which were legal.

I told Ms. McGinnis that I was willing to remove the material that bothered her, but she insisted that she had discussed the issue with members of the staff, and she wasn't willing to reconsider. She resolutely held to her position despite my continued pleas. Since my manuscript was late, I had broken our contract, so I knew she would have this excuse to disregard it. Of course, this wasn't a genuine concern for her, since she had told me that I should go ahead and revise my manuscript. She said that she would help me find another publisher for this book. However, she did not follow through on this promise.

I contacted my previous editor at New York University Press to ask if she and this publishing house would be interested in publishing Stolen Innocence. It so happened that New York University Press had published the major social scientific book on child pornography in recently. So she said that there would be no interest in publishing a book that would be in competition with this volume.

I considered suing Routledge for breach of contract, since the lateness issue was obviously not the real reason for refusing to give me a chance to revise my manuscript. A respected colleague advised me not to, because she believed this would make it next to impossible to find another publisher, as well as jeopardizing publishers' interest in future projects of mine.

Stolen Innocence: The Damaging Effects of Child Pornography
Chapter 11: Testimonies by or About Survivors of Pornography-Related Sexual Abuse

"When children are used to make pornography, a child is sacrificed for the most perverse of reasons." -- J. Marshall, 1994 (cited by Friel, 1997, p. 240, fn 228)

"I think many more of us truly help kids rather than hurt." -- Zurich (curious@truth.net, October 21, 1996, quoted in www.geocities.com/CapitolHill/5021/anarchy.htm)

This chapter is devoted to several accounts by, or about, survivors of child pornography-related sexual abuse because I believe that it is very important to learn from this kind of anecdotal evidence.

1. Pornography and Father-Daughter Incest: Testimony by Katherine Brady* [*Footnote: This is a slightly edited version of Brady's testimony to the Senate Subcommittee on Juvenile Justice, August 8, 1984.]

"It is my belief that if we confront this abuse and degradation openly, we will be able to find a way to stop it."

My name is Katherine Brady. I was born in Dubuque, Iowa and I was educated and married and lived for over 23 years in Green Bay, Wisconsin. I am a single parent with two daughters, aged 12 and 13. I am testifying here today as both an incest survivor and a child abuse prevention activist.

My father incestuously abused me for a period of 10 years, from the time I was 8 years old until I was 18. . . . During the early stages of the molestation, my father used pornographic materials as a way of coercing me into having sex with him. In the beginning, the pornography consisted of materials he confiscated from inmates of two State institutions where he worked. He was employed as a prison guard at the Central State Mental Hospital, Waupun, Wisconsin, and subsequently worked as a training and corrections officer at the Reformatory for Boys in Green Bay, Wisconsin.

My father used the pornography for several purposes. First of all, he used it as a teaching tool -- as a way of instructing me about sex and about what he wanted me to do with him. When he showed me the pictures, he would describe the acts in detail: "This is fellatio," "this is what you do with intercourse," and so forth.

Second, my father used the pictures to justify his abuse and to convince me that what we were doing was normal. The idea was that if men were doing it to women in the pictures, then it was OK for him to do it to me.

Finally, he used the pornography to break down my resistance. The pornography made the statement that females are nothing more than objects for men's sexual gratification. How could I refuse my father when the pornography showed me that sex is what women and girls are for?

My father first told me about pornography when I was 9 years old. Then he sneaked it to me for private viewings after sending my mother and brother away. He would send her away on errands as if she were a child. Our family was typical in his being the authority, the head of the household. . . . When I was about 10 he told me not to tell my mother anything about what he was doing with me.

When he showed me the pornography for the first time, this is what it was like: As I sat down on the bed, he spread out the pictures of men and naked women in all sorts of sexual positions with each other. Looking at them, I felt a rush spread through my body . . . . I felt intense sexual desire, total revulsion, increasing excitement, abandonment of reason, a sense of sin and guilt, the shame of it all, and a resolve to forget it until next time.

The following passage is an excerpt from my book, Father's Days (1979). My body developed early -- when I was in the sixth grade, and I menstruated in grade school. Once I was in puberty, my father escalated the molestation. By that time, his use of pornography had subtly coerced me into submission. I had learned from his lessons with pornography that I had to submit to his abuse. Because I was afraid of his physical power and verbal authority, it never occurred to me to challenge his use of pornography or his abuse. The pornography frightened me, it confused me, and yet it excited me. I felt trapped. My only means of surviving psychologically was to become detached -- to send my mind off -- to pretend that the abuse was happening to someone else. I pretended for many years that I had a "normal family." The truth is that the pornography trained me to respond to my father's sexual demands.

Nancy Smith, 44, sent me a poem entitled "Pornographer's Daughter" on 2/5/2003. In her two letters to me she wrote about being forced to view large amounts of pornography in her childhood.

"Dad was into the worst type of porn (sadism, bestiality, worse). He wrote porn books which he illustrated himself. I remember sitting on his lap as he went through one of his porn books showing me the pictures when I was 4 or 5 years old. Dad sold and profited from his books and I was told that mom helped him produce them.

There were porn books, magazines and pictures all over the house, many of which were extremely graphic and 'perverse.' I was reading them obsessively before the age of ten. Many contained incestuous scenarios, sadistic scenarios, and the like. Young girls being raped by their uncles and 'loving it.' Young girls getting 'turned on' by fire, by force, by degradation and abuse. Quite the education for a young girl! Dad considered women to be sluts, whores, bitches and cunts. He believed they liked force, liked to be raped, and all wanted him sexually.

Dad also had porn parties in our home and showed films on our living room wall. Groups of people came to watch these -- usually family members. I remember in one movie a woman was doing fellatio on a horse. In the other, a naked woman was being chased through the woods before being raped and killed. Dad told me this was a snuff movie. It was extremely terrifying to me. I have no memories of direct physical sexual abuse by him. But then I have virtually no memories between the ages of ten and fourteen. Anything could have happened in those years.

Dad really 'got off' by scaring me. He would tell me about his fantasies -- of raping, degrading, kidnapping, and killing women. Part of his purpose in life was to keep me terrified and compliant so that I would keep my mouth shut.

To be surrounded by the worst types of pornography from early childhood on had what I believe to be devastating effects on me and on my views of women and men. I have trauma-reenactment nightmares about being used for/in child porn. I suffered from learned helplessness to an extreme. I became very promiscuous and easily victimized during my young adulthood. I was a well-scripted victim for anyone who came my way.

I got pregnant at the age of 15. I had three children by age 19. And by then I was on a self-destructive, alcoholic, revictimization run that was to last ten years and nearly kill me. My life has been hell. My relationships with men have been recreations of abuse to one degree or another. My son was horribly abused and my whole family of creation was victimized/terrorized by a pedophile and his family and friends. We got him arrested and convicted, but he is now out of prison again.

My life has been a nightmare. I was on complete disability for about 10 years due to post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety/panic/agoraphobia, and asthma. I spent 15 years in intense therapy to get to where I am today. Altogether, I have been in recovery for nearly 17 years.

Pictures on the wall
Legs spread wide
"Big titted women --
Begging to be fucked"

"Pussies" on the wall
"Bitches, cunts, and whores"
The men they come
and "cum" again

Got to go to school tomorrow
Where did mommy go?
Crying from the other room
I don't want to know

I am a mother of a three children. I was leery, like any other parent, about having my children exposed to the nudist lifestyle, and was keenly interested in the way they took to the environment. We attended various nudist events and carefully chose a club where there was plenty of fresh air and entertainment, and where we could feel safe.

My daughter liked nudism a lot. She even wrote an article for the A.S.A. Bulletin in 1985, when she was 12 years old, about her positive experiences as a nudist child. She wrote about how she had held a towel tightly wrapped around her for protection the first night she attended a nudist gathering, and how quickly her barriers dropped with the towel after she took the big risk and plunged naked into the hot tub. My daughter took to nudism like a fish to water. She made friends at the campsites of the Sequoians Family Nudist Club and Rawhide Ranch, looking forward to weekends and special occasion.

All that has changed now, because she befriended a man named Tim Wilcox who has turned out to be a convicted child molester. Last year, Tim plead guilty to a felony charge of a series of sexual molestations of our little girl, which first occurred when she was 10 years old....

My daughter was always outgoing. She had a genuine love for people, always had her heart on her sleeve and took people at face value. I put this in the past tense because things have changed since she met Tim. At the time, Tim was a stocky man in his thirties, always seen with at least one camera strap around his stomach. He liked photographing girls and young boys, and would often ask parents' permission to photograph their child. He photographed my daughter many times, posed, smiling in front of this camera.

Seeing the trust in my child's eyes, I couldn't help but trust the guy myself. My daughter and Tim rapidly became friends. They were chums; he was her good buddy. She trusted and loved him, and looked forward to seeing him at various events. He would regularly bring her gifts like candy bars, books, puzzles, and other new toys; and one time he bought her a new bicycle. He took her to the Great America twice: once as just a "fun day," and once for a rock concert.

People warned me Tim was getting too close to our family, but I felt he was just being friendly. I sensed he was starved for attention and wanted to know someone cared.

There were a few strange indications about Tim's behavior, but I didn't recognize what they meant at the time. Like when he put his hand on my daughter's leg and said, "Hey, you're not a virgin anymore; you've been to your first rock concert!" And once Tim said to me: "Don't you think it's strange that I would rather hang around a young girl of 12, than hang around someone my own age, or another adult?" Then there was the time he took her to a weekend self‑enhancement class. She refused to go without me because they would have been in a motel together. But mostly I saw Tim as harmless: as a big brother for my daughter; and I never gave the matters much thought.

After a few months went by, Tim asked my daughter if she would like to have a pen pal in another country. She was very excited, especially since we have relatives all over the globe. He gave her the address of a man Robbert Broekstra in Europe, who had a "Teen Pen Pal Club." Tim also told her, and a lot of other kids from Sanrobles and Sequoians, to send, besides their addresses, nude pictures of themselves and their friends. They did.

When my daughter quickly got an off‑color response from her [alleged] 9‑year‑old "pen pal" who wrote about her parents' sexual practices, she thought it was so weird she stopped writing.

We really never questioned, until later, what use anyone would have for so many pictures of nude children. But when U.S. Customs knocked on our door and went to Sequoians in 1986, asking questions about Broekstra and Tim, I had the idea. I gave the investigators the obscene letters my daughter had received from Broekstra's "Teen Pen Pal" Service and discovered they already had letters written to other children. By then, I was extremely upset to learn the facts after it was already too late. This is when I learned that Tim had prior convictions.

Before I found out abut Tim's past, one day he ran behind our car, waving frantically and crying real tears. In a real childlike voice he told me, "She won't give me a hug good‑bye." I tried to keep a straight face and kind of played along with him, but I realized he was really too serious. I told him "Well, Tim, you don't need to cry about it." My daughter was stone faced, and I said, "Go on. Give him a hug." She did.

All of a sudden my daughter started to shy away from Tim. I would say, "Look there's Tim," and she would say, "So?" When we planned a nudist outing, she wanted to know if Tim would be attending. She would tell us over and over that she did not want to see him anymore. The only comment she would make was that she was tired of him hugging her, and she did not like having to tell him she didn't want to hug or be hugged. [Wilcox often wore a "Hugs" T-shirt, with no pants underneath, that mandated a hug upon greeting him.]

By that time, a lot of other children were shying away from Tim, too, saying he was weird. Tim and I had been very good friends and I would try to defend him against other people's criticisms. When my daughter would reject him, I thought maybe she just wanted to be like all the other kids and didn't want them to know that Tim was her friend. Yes, teen pressure prevails even in a nudist camp.

Now, I realize that peer pressure had nothing to do with my daughter's fear of Tim. I also recognized that Tim was so chummy with me to get to her. He took me places with the children and used me like a decoy. Knowing what I know now, I sure wish, I had been more supportive of my daughter's hesitations about Tim.

Several years after the visit by U.S. Customs, my daughter and I were coming home from the grocery store. Out of nowhere, she told me, "Tim did a lot more than you know about." I stopped the car and asked her what she was talking about. I was heartsick, shocked, and did not know what to do about it or where to turn. This has to be every mother's worst nightmare. I asked my daughter if she wanted to talk to a police officer about it and she said yes. She told her story to the investigators, and a full report was taken. Tim finally did plead guilty to the charge of sexual assault on my daughter. However, the judge did not accept his plea‑bargain that would have reduced his sentence. Reportedly because, due to the evidence he had examined, the judge felt Wilcox was "too dangerous" to be released with the previously established plea bargain agreement of probation.

Since this happened, there have been some very hurtful attempts by several nudists to wreck the credibility of our family so my daughter's testimony will be discredited. Even though Tim has already been convicted to two counts of felony child molestations, has been in prison, a psychiatric hospital, and was a registered sex offender, it is our daughter and our family whom Louise Flanagan turned into "the accused." There were horrible rumors, hurtful letters, and lies told about us. We were rejected and snubbed because we -‑ not Tim -‑ caused the club trouble by bringing this out in the open. And I still cannot believe that my daughter -‑ and not Tim -‑ was turned by some into the criminal.

I feel betrayed that other nudists have been uncaring about what happened to our nudist family. B asil Hugueley, the president of the Western Sunbathing Association (WSA), never even bothered to ask our side of the story. Ricc Bieber, WSA Internal Affairs Chair, never talked to us until there was such intense pressure from others that he could no longer ignore what was going on. He called late one‑night ten months after we had pressed charges against Tim. Now, finally, Ricc seemed most supportive and said he would present a motion to add Tim to the A.S.A. Caution List. [Wilcox, to date has not been added to the A.S.A.'s Caution List.]

Now that Tim's past has been made public, we feel somewhat vindicated. I cannot begin to tell you how this has affected our lives. We never though anything like this would ever happen to us. Tim has destroyed my daughter's trust in people, which is something I can never forgive him for. Her self‑confidence has been shattered. She has been running away from home since this happened because she cannot get settled, cannot feel secure anymore.

It took a long time of counseling for the full story to come out. In one session dealing with sexual assault, she was given a towel that was supposed to represent her abuser. She was so hurt and angry that she shredded it to bits before the session was over. Is this what "growing up" means for a child who once had such intense love and caring for others? I cry for my daughter. I cry deep inside because I know it is her own face she sees in the mirror each day, and only she can bring herself completely through all this. It is such a heavy burden for a child her age to bear. At times, I wish I had a magic wand that could take away all the hurt and replace it with the love and support she feels she has lost.

My daughter doesn't smile anymore, not like she used to. She is no longer friendly and outgoing. She is much more reserved, almost spy‑like, and very particular about who is around her. She probably will not return to the nudist lifestyle because of her pain and resentment about what happened.

"[T]he wounds and scars that pornography has left me with are not always visible, but the effect is psychological murder."

Ms. Smith. I am an adult victim of child sexual abuse. Starting at the age of 4 [in 1943], old Mr. Edwards, a neighbor and close friend of the family, enticed me to take baths at his house.... so he could watch and touch me. This went on for 5 years, during which he had me wearing his wife's clothes, and eventually having oral sex and being penetrated by him.... He used pornography, to show me how to be, and what to do. So I didn't see anything wrong with anything he did to me, or have me do to him. I became addicted to sex as a way of getting through life.

I also became an alcoholic. I was married at the age 16. My marriage was purely sexual. I put up with more pornography because I thought it would secure my marriage, but it destroyed it. I cannot go into explicit details about the sexual abuse during that period. I can tell you it was horrendous.

The next 20 years were filled with multiple relationships with men, who were middle‑class white and blue‑collar workers. Although it is quite difficult for me to talk about, I can share that I was hit and punched because I refused to allow a partner to put his fist in my vagina, as in the same fashion as in one of his pornographic magazines.

Even though I was already acquainted with oral sex, from age 4, for me it was painful and terrifying. No matter how hard I would resist, men would eventually have their way with me, telling me to relax and enjoy it, like the women in the "Deep Throat" movie. This was not an act of sexual intimacy, it was forceful, degrading, and on many occasions left me bruised and gagging, with dry heaves for hours.

During these years I could not understand why the sex acts were to be performed on me, and I was expected to perform, were so painful, and left me feeling abused and battered. The confusion for me was the message that society gave, that such acts were performed by women called whore, bitches, and tramps. And at the same time, that all women needed to become sexually uninhibited, or they were prudish, frigid, or queer.

All this was reinforced by the pornography, that depicted total submission and enjoyment on the faces of the women in the pornography.

For years I lived with the belief that my only value as a women and person was determined by the amount of sexual pleasure I could bring men. I was good, if they were happy.

After years of pain, and confusion, and abuse, I entered into a relationship with a man that lasted for 5 years. During this time I thought I was free of pornography, and I believed that I was protecting my children from pornography. I was hoping to find safety, security, and acceptance, for myself, as well as my 12 year‑old son and 7‑year old daughter.

It was not until 6 months after my leaving this relationship that my son was able to tell me that he had been molested by this man [starting when he was 14]. This man had used pornography to sexually arouse my son, so that he could molest him. He had him wear woman's underwear, so that he would resemble the [females in] pornography, while he would molest him.

It was 18 month later that my daughter was able to talk about being molested by the same man.... She was 7 when it began for her. She also told me about being molested by her brother, and one of his friends. He was using pornographic magazines as teaching guides.

My daughter was also a victim of gang rape, by four teenage boys, who used pornographic magazines stolen from a local convenience store in the neighborhood, to threaten and terrify her. They made her pose in the same position as [the females] in the pornography magazines, and then ridiculed her because her body was not as good as those [in] the pictures. At that time she was 11 years old.

What I have just shared with you is a brief outline [of the experiences of] my children and myself. It has taken 3 years to work [through] the pain and confusion of almost 40 years, and now I am finally being able to treat myself with the love and respect that I deserve.

I have been able to achieve an emotional balance in my life. While sorting through what has happened to my children and myself, I have come to the conclusion that pornography is an insidious threat to mental and physical health. It debases the true function and meaning of sexual intimacy, [and] it incites sexual activities.

There are those that argue that pornography does not have victims. I can tell you that the wounds and scars that pornography has left me with are not always visible, but the effect is psychological murder.

I have never been able to complete an education, or hold any productive employment. I have two children out of wedlock, and spent most of my life in aid to families with dependent children. I wonder what my life would have been if the pornography had not happened, or if there had been a way to do something about it....I know about pornography, because I have lived through ... hell because of it....

Senator Specter. ... [W]hat do you recall was the kind of pictures that you were shown?

Ms. Smith. A lot of it I blocked. I do remember he had a basement, a carpenter shop, and nude photos on the wall. There were never any magazines, it was always individual photos.... It started with nude women, and then partners acting out sex, and then oral sex, and there was one picture with an animal, and he very suddenly seduced me. It was not that he jumped into ... immediate sexual behavior....

Ms. Smith. I did not realize what was happening to me. My mother was a single parent working daily. I felt lonely... and he used my vulnerability to abuse me. He passed himself off as a friend, he took me everywhere. I was able to play the grand piano. It was a careful, subtle seduction....

Ms. L.: I am going to talk about being raped and how pornography was involved in that rape. When I was 13 I was camping with the Girl Scouts in Northern Wisconsin. It was 10 years ago in November. I was walking through the forest outside the camp in mid-afternoon when I came upon three deer hunters who were reading magazines and talking and joking around.

I turned to walk away and one of the men yelled, "There is a live one." I thought they meant a deer, so I ducked and tried to run away. Then I realized that there weren't any deer in sight and that they meant me. So I started running and they ran after me. I tripped. The forest was covered with pine needles and leaves, and they caught me.

I told them that I would go away and to please leave me alone. They said, "You are not going anywhere," and forced me to get up. They pulled my hair and started looking at me up and down, calling me a little Godiva (I had long hair then), a golden girl, and making jokes. They told me to take my clothes off, so I did. It was very cold. They told me to lie down and not to say anything; that if I made a sound, they would kill me. They would blow my head off.

All three men had hunting rifles. Two of them held their guns at my head, and the first man hit my breast with his rifle while they continued to laugh. Then the first man raped me. When he was finished they started making jokes about how I was a virgin. I didn't know how they knew that. And they made jokes about how they could use something like this when they were in boot camp and they made jokes about being in the military. Then the second man raped me.

None of the men attempted to kiss me or touch my breasts; they simply wanted to have intercourse. When the second man was finished, the third man was not able to get an erection. The other men told me to give him a blow job but I didn't know what a blow job was. The third man then forced his penis into my mouth and told me to do it. I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing. He started swearing at me and calling me a bitch and a slut and saying that I had better do it right and that I wasn't even trying. He started getting very angry and one of the men pulled the trigger on his gun so I tried harder. When he had an erection, he raped me.

They continued to make jokes about how lucky they were to have found me when they did and about my being a virgin. Then they started kicking me and kicking leaves and pine needles on to me, and they told me that if I wanted more I could come back the next day. When they started walking away I put my clothes back on. Then I looked down and saw that they had been reading pornographic magazines with nude women on the covers.

I walked a fair amount away and then I broke down and cried under a tree. I went back to the camp but I didn't tell anyone that I had been raped. I went to the bathroom and saw that I had bled on my underwear, so I assumed that I had gotten my period. I didn't know that virgins bleed. I didn't find that out until a few years later. I didn't seek any medical help and I didn't tell anyone that I had been raped until I was 20 years old. I didn't feel I could tolerate having anyone think it was my fault or blaming me or not understanding. And I couldn't tolerate having no control over who had the information once I told someone. I knew that my mother would most likely tell a great many people.

Ms. L: Yes, my father and my older brothers all had pornography. They kept it under their mattresses and under their beds. I had looked at the pornography in my home when I was growing up.

Ms. MacKinnon: What do you remember about what you were thinking they would do to you at the time?

Hernandez: Senator Roth, I would like to thank you for allowing me the opportunity for being here today to talk about the effects that a 4-year ordeal of child molestation at the hands of my uncle has had on both myself and my family....

My name is Rainer Hernandez. I'm a 21‑year‑old college student at the University of California at Santa Barbara. I am a survivor of molestation and pornography abuse that occurred from the ages of 12 to 16. The man who committed the crime[s], my uncle, Alex Hernandez, was a law‑abiding, active member of the community who committed these crimes for a number of years within the midst of those who he worked [with] and within a very closely knit family.

... Alex ... had access to hundreds of children in an official capacity. He was a former scout leader, a former Big Brother with Catholic Charities, an elementary school teacher, and a school counselor trained in child psychology. He used to take scores of boys on overnight camping trips, each one carrying a signed permission slip from their unwary parents. On some trips, the parents actually paid Alex to sponsor the activities.

He was a master of manipulation, not only with the child but with the parents as well. He would sit and talk with the parents for hours, sometimes making no reference to the child, but by the end of the evening, he had convinced the parents that their child needed special tutoring in math or English that only he could provide in his home.

We have no way of knowing how many children were molested by my uncle. He was convicted for molesting five children and was sentenced to 6 years in prison, but, for example, in my case, the incidents of child abuse had already passed beyond the statute of limitations. How many children were there just like myself?

When I was 12, I often spent weekends and holidays at my grandmother's house, and on the lot where she lived, there where two other houses. My uncle lived in one of them. At the age of 12, I later learned I was just entering this particular pedophile's preferred age group. He began taking an interest in me. He started taking me to ball games with other kids and with other younger family members, and then began taking me to movies by myself.

When I was at my grandmother's house, he would offer to let me spend hours over at his house playing with an assortment of toys, hobbies, and sports equipment which would have fascinated any 12-year-old kid. He let me be alone in his house also so I would become comfortable there.

The next step he took in grooming me for sexual exploitation was with photography.... At first, he took pictures of me clothed, and since everyone knew about Alex's interest and skill in photography, this seemed perfectly normal and, in fact, my family was delighted with the first photographs they received of me. Alex then coaxed me to take off more of my clothes. First it was my shirt. He explained how simple and easy it would be. He told me that it would be fun. Then he wanted me to try it without my jeans. Later it progressed to my changing into and out of swim suits and then without my underwear. Finally, fully naked. Then he had me pose naked in front of a camera. Methodically, always careful to make sure that he could go safely to the next step without my running out of the house, Alex led right up to the first incident of molestation, which began with fondling and then led to all the logical sexual acts that could follow.

It is almost impossible to describe to people who have never experienced this how masterfully a pedophile like Alex can control a 12‑year‑old child. He was able to make me feel as if it were myself suggesting what pose or what activity to do next. He never physically threatened or coerced me, at least not at first.

It was during the first incident of molestation that I felt this appalling realization that I had done something terribly wrong, I felt shame, guilt, and sadness; that I had committed a dirty thing against my mom and dad who loved me so much and would be so disgusted with what I had done with this man. I assumed all of the guilt for what happened. I knew that it was myself that had to be responsible for this.

Alex realized that this first incident was the pivotal point of my victimization. This was the one time when he knew that he had to act to maintain his control over the situation or I might have left the house and told someone. So my uncle, the school counselor, the man who counseled hundreds of children before me, made me stand before him naked, while he sat on a bar stool in front of me, also naked, and for 45 minutes he subjected me to a lecture about how what had happened between us was completely legal that I had nothing to be ashamed of. But he went further than that. He told me not to tell anyone and that if I ever did, not only would he go to jail, but I would get in trouble, and that my parents would hate me.

Please, just think for a moment what this can mean to a 12‑year‑old child who cherishes his parents. It feels that he's done something which would make them completely disgusted with him. My parents would hate me if they were to discover. They would punish me if I told them. Alex accomplished what he wanted -‑ I remained for six years. I was deathly afraid to confess my shame to anyone. I would go to confession, but could never bring myself to admit what had happened. I hoped the guilt would be cleansed under the guise of confessing to the priest those sins which I cannot remember.

The molestation continued for four more years, sometimes every other weekend, sometimes more or less frequently. I understand that the first and very understandable reaction anyone would have upon hearing this is why doesn't the child simply walk away from it all?.... I kept visiting my uncle, even after I knew that there was nothing in store for me but sexual abuse because I thought that's what I was meant to be used for. I felt guilty and horrible. I felt out of place in my clean, loving, trusting home. I didn't belong there with good people....

Finally, at age 16, I realized that I was growing out of Alex's age of sexual preference. Two years later, I finally confided my secret to a close aunt, whose child Benji and another cousin of mine, Mikey, would soon become targets of Alex's interest. I'm grateful that I went to her. She supported me in the difficult decision I had made that I had to tell my parents. Alex had to be stopped.

That evening that I spent telling my parents was the most painfully, crushing thing I had ever experienced. I never wanted to do anything that would hurt them. I was always confident that they loved me, and I know now that this is the only thing that has gotten us through all of this. Without it, I wouldn't have survived and have the healthy outlook on life which I feel that I have today. The police were contacted immediately. Los Angeles Detective Bill Dworin, who I understand testified before your subcommittee last November, interviewed me. Alex was arrested several days later. They found thousands of sexually explicit photos of young boys in his home and also many foreign child pornography magazines and films.... On two occasions, he showed me films of boys my age involved in sexual orgies. Several times he allowed me to see imported sexually explicit material featuring young boys my age.

Eventually he confessed to having molested five children; but it took two more agonizing years through the court system before he was finally found guilty and sentenced to only six years in the State prison.

We've tried to deal honestly and openly with what has happened to us.... Because of this, an entire extended family has strained and become splintered. We were ostracized and rejected by some of the family members who had been such a strong foundation of support throughout the years. The aunt in whom I confided also succumbed to family pressure and eventually withdrew her support from me.

My father explained to me how important it was that we sit through every single court session involving Alex. So postponement after postponement we were there. It wasn't vengeance on our part. My father explained to me that because my particular case fell beyond the statute of limitations that I would never gain real justice from the court system. We watched and listened even as years of abuse were made to sound as though Alex had accidentally touched me in the wrong places a few times.

My only consolation was knowing that by my coming forward, Alex has temporarily been stopped from what he was doing. As tragic as all this is, it could have been so much worse. I truly am one of the lucky ones. My parents never rejected me. They loved me then and they love me now. It's also taken us 2 years of in depth counseling to get where we are now....

Chairman Roth: .... How did your molestation affect you in school and your relationship[s] with your friends and family?

Hernandez: The very age that I was molested, which was 12 years old, was exactly the time that I began to have problems in school. First, I had problems academically, keeping my grades up, but where I think the problem surfaced most of all was with my relationship with peers of mine. I began to develop feelings of self‑worthlessness, and I had a difficult time ... maintaining friendships with peers because I knew that for what has happened to me, I knew I was different. I felt that I was ugly, and I was a bad kid. So my studies were affected. I eventually became ... a loner child.... I had very few friends. It has also affected my ... social and personal relationships.... This kind of thing stays with you ... for as long as [you] live.... The memories are always there. The realization of what happened to you is always there....

Raul Hernandez (father of Rainer): .... My whole family is shattered because of [this]. I haven't talked to my mother in two years on account of this. We are all victims of the single act.

Chairman Roth. Mr. Rainer, ... you mention in your testimony that you were on occasion shown child pornography. What do you think was the purpose of showing that to you?....

Hernandez: I believe that Alex ... showed me pornography, especially in the initial stages of the molestation, ... -- films and photographs that he had taken and also photographs in magazines, in books -‑ to try to convince me that ... other kids were doing [it] as well.... I think what he was trying to do was make me a little bit more comfortable with what he was trying to do with me by showing me photos of children doing it, too. He showed photos of children in sexual acts and children in playful acts to try to ... ease my fears and my inhibitions .... I think he definitely did use [the porn] to assist him in molesting me....